


(not so) perfect places

by lilevans (orphan_account)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Modern AU, Muggle AU, i'm a celebrity get me out of here, this is So bad but hey!! 4 k words of mediocre appeals to some people i guess, tv show au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 10:03:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14788430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/lilevans
Summary: TV SHOW AU (im a celebrity get me out of here) +“No don’t take your top off I’ve spent too long in this jungle without food or romantic contact with the opposite sex it will brEAK me”





	(not so) perfect places

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this for the may jily challenge on tumblr. it's not my *best* work but i hope u enjoy regardless :)

 

(NOT SO) PERFECT PLACES

OR

I DON’T KNOW WHY I LIKE YOU, BUT I DO.

//

**DISCLAIMER: I know nothing about this show and I’m purely running on this loose info I know about it. Perhaps consider this as more of a total drama island au lol. This is 100% not my best work either so please bear with me.**

//

Look, she was _really_ looking forward to being there.

Did she end up going over the safety protocols on the plane multiple times and taking over the flight attendant’s job? Perhaps. Did she memorise the terms and conditions of this stupid show before she’d even boarded? Maybe. Was she irritated that the guy behind her wouldn’t stop kicking her fucking seat? Definitely.

(Okay, so maybe not _quite_ as estatic as she made it out to her mum on the phone. Perhaps _dread_ would be a better match.)

“Can you fuck off, maybe?” She says, whipping her head around. He’s trying to get the packet of skittles he’s dropped off the ground with his feet, and his knees are digging into her back. There’s another guy with dark hair and eyes like a storm next to him, egging him on loudly. She doesn’t know how people like this could get _famous,_ but somehow, they are.

He kicks the skittles towards him with finality and takes his knees off the back of her seat. An annoyingly overconfident smirk is plastered across his lips, but he seems nothing short of pissed off as he remarks, “Well, _someone’s_ not here to make friends,”

Lily crosses her arms indignantly and turns back around. “Of course not. I’m here for the money.” Sarcasm drips through her pores.

The guy next to Annoying Smirk laughs, before making a sound that implies his friend elbowed him in the ribs. “Aren’t we all?” She hears him mutter.

//

**James: There was just something about her. I just couldn’t figure out what it was, you know?**

**Lily: What a prick, honestly.**

**James: God, she’s one of the most uptight people I have _ever_ met. This was gonna be interesting, I knew that. **

**Lily: I had no idea what I was getting myself into.**

//

Their host has a jaw like Jude Law, although seems a lot more like an asshole. Lily was told he was a famous singer in the 80s. “ _Sort of like David Bowie in that era._ ” She still doesn’t have a fucking clue who Dumbledore is, but decides he probably doesn’t have shit on any of her 80s icons.

He turns to the camera and smiles over his spectacles, waving an arm dramatically around the whole group. 10 celebrities, either looking ecstatic or terrified stand before him. “Welcome to the jungle. Over the couple of weeks, the 10 of you will be subjected to several dangerous challenges in order to win the privilege of food. There will be no luxury items unless you win them in challenges. You can now go get settled in at camp.”

The camera pans upwards. Lily tries not to roll her eyes.

She finds out the annoying guys next to her on the plane are James Potter, an actor who got his start on a prime time show her mum watches, and Sirius Black, who started in the same show but ended up on Broadway. Also among them are TV hosts (of various shows) Marlene McKinnon, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, model Mary MacDonald,  singer songwriter Alice Fortescue, dancer  Narcissa Black, and newly found triple threat Lucius Malfoy.

“OI, EVANS,” Potter says, jogging up to her as they all begin to head north to the camp. The jungle feels dense and Lily is already sweating up a storm. The torches guiding their way are no help.

“How do you know who I am?” She asks, crossing her arms as she walks. She doesn’t even know why she agreed to do this.

“He never stops listening to your music,” Sirius says as he catches up with the two.

She looks them both up and down, unimpressed. “Didn’t think alt-pop was your style,”

He shrugs, and the Annoying Smirk makes another appearance. “Neither did I,”

“Do you tune into our show _Up to No Good?_ ” Sirius asks.

Lily laughs sardonically. “It’s more my mother’s speed.”

They both look affronted.

“Leave her alone, both of you, just because she can knows _trash_ when she sees it,” Marlene has met up with them. Lily wonders if there’s a camera capturing this entire scene.

“Excuse me, McKinnon, but _Up to no good_ is the best show for kick-starting your career, and you’ve _already_ admitted to me you watch it,” James quips back.

“Thank you for the backup,” Lily smiles at her, pointedly ignoring James’ defence.

“It’s all good. I don’t believe we’ve officially met,” Marlene grins and holds out her hand.

“Nice to meet you. I actually really like _Morning Report_ by the way, best breakfast show,”

“Aw thank you! Same to you, I _love_ your new album! I can’t believe you were brave enough to call the entire album _Severus,_ he must feel so attacked.”

She shrugs. “I didn’t bother to ask his permission,”

“He sounds like a dick,” Sirius cuts in.

She looks down, suddenly feeling insecure.

“Yeah. He is.”

//

The first challenge is to eat all of the insects on the plate. The first person to finish gets a full roast meal, and Lily, a vegetarian, will not eat it. However, she _really_ wants to beat Potter.

She counts how many times Dumbledore uses dramatic hand gestures as he explains the challenge, and the amount is no less than 27 in 10 minutes. She thinks that must be some sort of talent on its own.

She looks at the food on the plates. Mary has already refused to eat it, and doesn’t look particularly fussed on missing out on the food. Marlene and Narcissa are eating slowly, pulling faces and Marlene grips onto Lily’s hand to stop herself from throwing up. Remus, who Lily is already bonding with over a love of Agatha Christie, has also pushed the plate away from him. Peter doesn’t seem fussed and seems to be enjoying himself, and James and Sirius? They’re not competing with anyone but each other, and they’re eating crunchy scorpion like there’s no tomorrow.

That sight alone is enough to make Lily feel sick.

But also, enough to convince her that she needs to win this damn challenge.

//

**Lily: I just. I really need to beat that idiot.**

**Marlene: I… James really gets on Lily’s nerves, oh my _god._**

**Remus: Lily seems like such a lovely person until James gets there, you know?**

**Sirius: I’m already making those ****s a sex playlist.**

**//**

So, she picks up her fork and stabs the scorpion on her plate with determination. It makes an uncomfortable crunching noise and she shudders, but she puts it in her mouth anyway.

Marlene looks over and begins cheering her on.

“C’mon Lil, you got this!”

“Go Lily!” Remus joins in.

“EVANSSSS!!!” Sirius shouts through a mouthful of food.

James looks up at her in surprise. She gives him the middle finger and continues chewing. The camera crew all look at her disapprovingly, face palming, muttering about how they’re going to have to censor it and how much money it costs. Lily doesn’t care.

James suddenly starts to speed up with his chewing, shoving spider legs into his mouth as quickly as he can. Lily sees this as a challenge.

James raises his hand and finishes first, and Dumbledore runs up to him to dramatically clap him on the back and declare him the winner.

(They both throw up as soon as the cameras turn off)

//

**Lily: that’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever done. And I can’t believe it was for nothing, I didn’t even beat that twerp.**

**Marlene: I really admire Lily’s effort, oh my god. I could not do what she did.**

**Narcissa: I haven’t really spoken to either of them, but I hope they sort their sexual tension out soon. Jesus.**

**Remus: I was kinda rooting for Lily. She seems to hate James _so much_ and honestly? It’s amusing. **

//

They’re gathered around the campfire, and Lily’s rolling her eyes at the dramatic music Dumbledore is talking about. She’s already sort of sick of him, of this. But hey, plenty to write about, she supposes.

“As you know, after every challenge, someone must be sent home. I want everyone to cast their votes into the bowl I’m holding. While we count the votes, everyone who is staying receives a water bottle. Whoever does not receive a water bottle will go home.”

//

**Lily: there’s no way I’m not voting for James.**

**James: look, I know Lily is going to vote for me, so it’s only fair I vote for her, you know?**

**Sirius: part of me wants to vote for James… just for the shits and gigs... you know what? I’m going to.**

**Remus: Me? I’m voting for Sirius.**

**//**

Lily is filled with relief the moment her bottle is thrown to her, and yet, part of her already wants to go home. She misses her mum, her guitar, her _phone._ And to make matters worse, James also gets a water bottle, so it’s not like she has any chance for peace around here.

Lucius Malfoy ends up being sent home, since he did not complete the challenge and got into a scuffle with Narcissa and Mary that ended up with him calling them “Untalented whores,” Lily is kind of glad they kicked him out.

He doesn’t seem particularly cut up about leaving.

//

**Lucius: didn’t even want to be here anyway, who wants to spend five weeks with a bunch of assholes?**

(He loses 2000 followers over this comment)

//

“Lily?” Alice is sitting cross-legged across from her, fire between them. She has a blazed look of curiosity about her, and she purses her lips as she ponders how to ask.

“Yeah?” Lily isn’t happy with most of the things about this stupid show, but she feels sort of at home with each of the girls here, and if she’s honest, most of the guys too. She’s managed to strike up easy conversation with Remus and Pete, and even begins to laugh at Sirius’ jokes.

“What’s going on between you and James?” Lily pricks up and she feels the cameras turn to her. She’s tired of that already.

“Nothing. He’s a dickhead.”

Narcissa looks at her. “Are you sure?” she glances towards him on the other side of the campsite, laughing with the other guys.

Lily hesitates, now feeling not very sure at all. “Yes. A dick.” She shifts how she’s sitting.

Mary and Alice exchange looks. James glances in their direction for a split second and Lily’s heart skips uncomfortably. Marlene is watching Lily intensely.

“If you say so, Lil.”

//

**Marlene: there’s totally something going on there, even if Lily can’t see it.**

**Alice: for _sure._ James actually seems like a really nice guy, for a guy who stars in a soap. I think Lily should probably give him another chance, you know?**

**Sirius: *long, drawn out, dramatic sigh***

**Peter: I agree with Sirius. I may be a simple chef, but there’s something going on there. James gets really weird whenever we mention her. And it’s only what? Day three now? And they’ve been like this since _day one._  **

**Mary: Come _on._ You all know that I haven’t really been paying attention to _anything_ that’s happened since we got here, but I _know_ there’s something going on between those two. There’s just got to be. **

//

Lily has suddenly spent an entire week in the jungle with 8 not completely terrible people. Sure, she gets into scuffles now and again, mostly with James, but they’re blown way out of proportion. She starts journaling everything she feels and sees so she can use it for songs later, and Marlene reads over it and gushes over how much of a poet Lily is.

Narcissa goes home after the abseiling challenge, but not after giving the other girls her number. Peter leaves after her. Lily keeps sort of wishing James would be sent home, but he’s too damn good at challenges and _way too_ likeable. It’s driving her insane.

She keeps picking stupid fights with him, and the audience seem to love the “unresolved sexual tension,” As Alice put it.

“Come _on,_ you’ve got to make out with him eventually,” Mary says between sips of water on the 6th night.

Lily pretends she hasn’t been studying James’ cheeky grin from across the fire.

“Not bloody likely,”

//

“You will be split into three groups of two and sent to find each of the three coloured tokens, which are located in various locations within the jungle, after retrieving either your red, blue or yellow tokens, return to the campsite as quickly as possible. You have 3 hours, and the first pair to return to the campsite each win a full three course meal. The pairs are as follows; Sirius and Mary, Remus and Marlene, James and Lily.”

Lily visibly groans, and she knows the camera is recording it. _Yes, civilians, laugh at my pain._ She thinks.

James smirks and saunters over to her, throwing an arm around her. She pushes it off and elbows him in the rubs. Hard.

“Ouch.” Sirius remarks as he watches the exchange. Each pair is given a map and Dumbledore has a strange twinkle in his eye when he gives it to Lily. He winks at James before he leaves, and Lily has never been more confused.

“This is gonna be fun,” James is smirking again, that stupid _attractive_ smirk and Lily is gritting her teeth. For a split second, she thinks about making out with him. She shakes that from her head, quickly, and tries to focus on the idea of punching him in the face instead.

“We’ve got to find the red token. The map says that it should be in that direction,” She says, pointedly ignoring him and heading in the direction she pointed at. He has no choice but to follow her.

It’s been 15 minutes of silence and treading through the tangled jungle path before he speaks.

“Why exactly do you hate me so much?”

She exhales. “Who said I hate you?”

James folds his arms and scoffs. “You behave like you do,”

She copies his actions, already exasperated, and continuing to walk two steps ahead of him. “Okay, well you’re a total asshat. You’re really inconsiderate and you _try so hard_ to get under my skin purely because you _want_ to piss me off.”

There’s a cheeky grin after she says that. “I won’t deny that I try to piss you off,”

“Asshole,” She looks at the map again, before rolling her eyes at the camera. He follows her gaze.

“And why are you even doing this if you hate every moment you’re on camera?”

She looks up at him. He’s six feet tall to her five foot five. There’s sweat sticking his hair to his forehead, his glasses are covered in dirt and grime, and he hasn’t complained about it once. And she’s incredibly attracted to him right now.

_Fuck._

“Do you want the honest truth?”

“Always want the truth, ginger.”

She glares at him. “Don’t call me that. I’m here because my manager and publicity agent said it would be the perfect stunt for me to promote my album. And I guess I wanted to avoid questions about who it’s about too.”

He pushes his hair back. She’s probably one of the most intriguing people he’s ever met.

“That’s fair. But I guess you can expect people to ask questions about it after you named the whole album _Severus._ ”

“I want him to suffer and feel attacked,”

“What did he do?”

She’s taken aback at this comment.

“Sorry if that’s too forward a question. It’s just… he must be a real dick.”

“It’s fine… it’s just a long story.”

“You don’t have to tell me…” he trails off, debating whether to say what he’s thinking. “ But if I were him, I’d be suffering every day knowing I hurt you.”

She stops and smiles at him. “Thanks,” she replies earnestly.

There’s a quiet moment that passes between them, and suddenly, she thinks she understands him a little better.

He looks at her in wonder for a moment. Then realises he may have been staring a moment too long and clears his throat.

“Come on, let’s go. We gotta kick Sirius’ ass.”

//

They find the token by a waterfall after walking a mile east. It’s beautiful and grand and Lily thinks she could probably live here, damn her career. The only problem; the token is at the top. And they’re at the bottom.

“Alright, James, I’m gonna go get it. You stay down here,” she looks more determined than he’s ever seen her.

“Lily, what? That’s dangerous. Let me get it.”

She looks at him sharply and incredulously. “You ate several poisonous spiders on your first day here.”

He raises his eyebrows. “So did you,”

“Exactly. This is a piece of cake.” She cautiously touches the cold, wet rocks at the base of the waterfall, before starting to climb them, careful not to slip on the moss.

“If you’re looking at my ass, I’m going to slit your throat,” she warns. Her words are laced with a more playful undertone than the venom she had before.

“Well I am _now,_ Ginger!”

She tosses a rock at him.

She thinks she’s beginning to lose her grip just as she reaches the token, and she secures it around her neck with pride.

“LILY!” James shouts a warning, but it’s too late. She’s already falling. He lunges forward and into the water in the hopes of catching her to keep her off the rocks, and all she’s thinking is a string of swearwords not appropriate for a TV show.

She thinks she’s injured her leg, but her vision blurs as she hits the water and all she can think is how beautiful James’ eyes are.

//

She blacks out for a moment, and by the time she comes to, James has her at the bank and is checking for concussion or injuries.

“I think you might have a concussion,”

“I got the token, at least.” She mumbles.

“That wouldn’t matter if you fucking died now, would it?”

“James, calm down, I’m fine,”

He fixes her a glare, pushing his hair out of his face.

“Define _fine._ ”

She glances at her leg in surprise. There’s a huge gash down it, bruises welting and blood seeping out of it alarmingly.

She hears the sound of cloth ripping.   
“James what the _fu-_ ”

He’s ripping his shirt and wrapping it around her leg to try and help slow the bleeding and cover the wound.

“Stay still,” his voice goes gentle.

She looks at him, eyes soft.

“How do you know how to do this?”

He says nothing for a while, and just stares at her leg as he works.

“My mum was a nurse before she died,”

“I’m sorry…” She mumbles.

“No, no. it’s fine. She’d be happy her skills are being used to help a pretty girl like you.” He replies, brightening up slightly.

Then, he looks at her leg once more, and pulls his shirt off over his head.

Alarm bells sound in Lily’s mind.

//

**James: LOOK, I know it wasn’t really appropriate, but I had to in order to look after the huge ass gash in her leg.**

**Lily: HE’S NOT EVEN THAT HOT!!!**

**Lily: … Okay yes he’s attractive. But that doesn’t mean anything! It’s fine! IT’S FINE!**

**//**

“Look, Lily, it’s just so your wound can be completely covered, I don’t want it to get infected before we get back to camp,”

Lily refuses to look at him.

“NO! I’ve spent too long in this jungle without proper food. If I look at you it will _BREAK_ me,”

He looks at her incredulously for a moment, and she holds his gaze.

Then, they’re laughing so hard they’re crying.

“Can you stand?” He asks as he wipes away the tears.

“Yeah. I’ll need you to help me get back to camp though,” She says, knowing full well she’ll have to put her arm around him. She gulps.

 She spends the whole walk back thinking about how much she might like to kiss him.

//

**Lily: Oh god, Marlene and Mary are going to _kill_ me. **

//

They’re miraculously the first back to arrive, but Lily can’t withhold an eye roll as Dumbledore dramatically opens his arms and turns to the camera.

“And James and Lily, despite their rocky beginning, have put aside their differences and managed to win the challenge! I hope they look forward to their lovely three course, candlelit dinner this evening!”

Lily raises a brow. “ _CANDLELIT?_ ”

Instead of being smug about victory, James glares at him. “Lily needs medical attention.”

Dumbledore sighs, then looks at her leg in alarm. “Of course, I’ll let the medics know they’re needed presently,”

He walks away, and the camera stays by lily and James. At this point, she’s so out of it that Lily can’t help but mumble a “ _fucking prick,_ ” as he exits. James just looks at her and chuckles.

//

 She sits across from him, the table candlelit as promised, fairy lights strung across the trees. She’s trying to slow her heartbeat, because he’s still covered in dirt but he still looks _so good._ He got another shirt and she’s slightly disappointed. She twitches her fingers slightly, suddenly aware of how awful she must look.

He looks at her and he seems to be reading her mind. “You look beautiful, you know,”

She smiles. “You know… I still think you’re a dick… but you’re the only person I want to have a ‘date’ with right now,”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

 “James?” She says as she chews at her gourmet salad slowly. She puts the fork down. Exhales.

“Can we skip all the heartfelt, fake ass confessions of attraction you get on reality TV and just get to the part where you’re kissing me?”

He grins. “I thought you’d never ask, Ginger. Just let me finish this mouthful.”

And when he kisses her, she can almost hear Sirius and Marlene shouting for joy, and the electricity is like a jolt to the heart.

“Don’t call me Ginger.” She mumbles against his lips. He kisses her again.

//

“I’m sad you have to go,” They’re standing by the chopper, Lily’s things already in ready to go. When she got here, she never thought that saying goodbye would be this hard.

“I know. The medics won’t let me stay out here with my leg like it is, though.”

He sighs, frowning miserably.

She turns to Marlene and Mary. “The _first thing_ I’m doing is making an _I’m a celebrity_ girls group chat.” she exclaims as she throws her arms around the two. She tries not to wince as she puts weight on her leg.

“You’re such a twat, Evans. Leaving us like a pussy,” Sirius folds his arms and averts his gaze from her, but she throws her arms around his neck before he can object. He returns it.

“I’ll be waiting for your new album,” Remus says as he hugs her also.   
“And I’ll be reading your new book.” She smiles.

James is last, and she doesn’t know what to do other than hold him as tightly as possible.

“We’ll get coffee when this is all over, yeah?” She murmurs into his ear.

He smiles and presses his lips to hers. The cameras are watching, but he no longer gives a single shit.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

//

“AND THE KING OF THE JUNGLE IS…. JAMES POTTERRRRRR!”

//

**Dorcas Meadowes, celebrity correspondent:**

**“** Singer Lily Evans has been spotted out for coffee with _UP TO NO GOOD’s_ Star James Potter, the latest winner of _I’m a celebrity get me out of here._ The two both were in the show together and had quite the tumultuous relationship throughout their weeks in the jungle. They even shared a steamy kiss on screen, before Ms Evans was sent home due to her injuries sustained throughout the last challenge.

They both seem absolutely besotted by each other, holding hands as they walked along the streets of LA, and the popular café _PUDDIFOOT’S_ is looking forward to being the location for many more of this golden couple’s dates. **”**

**_Fin._ **


End file.
